"It is good to praise the Lord and make music to your name, O Most High, to proclaim your love in the morning and your faithfulness at night." Psalm 92:1
Good morning!! I am awake at 7:09 am when I would rather be asleep, catching up on rest. But, if I were asleep, I would be missing out on one of the greatest times to just sit and soak in God's love and grace for me this morning. It's the morning...it's quiet because the kids are still sleeping and I can sit with my Savior and soak in His Word.
I love the anchor verse for this post, Psalm 92:1. The Lord showed that to me last night and that has been what has held me together for the past few sleepless nights. My husband has had to travel for work and has not been home to help me with nightly duties for our 5 month old. Some of you are going to read this and think, she is such a pansy...my husband has to travel ALL the time for work, I rarely see him, and I am the sole care giver to our kids on a regular basis. Well, you would be right...I am a pansy when it comes to sleep. I like getting enough rest. My husband and our kids don't appreciate sleep as much as I do. They really don't. They will fight it until they have nothing left to give and they just pass out...they don't want to miss anything. I, on the other hand, know that there is not enough time during the day to get everything done anyway, so why stay up late trying and I am ok with the world continuing to spin as I sleep.
There are several things I love about what the Lord is doing during the time my husband has been away. Most importantly, I love that God knows I am a pansy when it comes to sleep, but He hasn't given up on me. He loves me so much that He wants the best for me, an abundant life, where He is shaping me to become like Jesus. My husband's business trip was just the next step in a lifelong process of refining me. So, I really like that God knows me so well that He knows I am a pansy and loves me anyway. :) We have recently done away with the swaddle for our 5 month old son, specifically two days before my husband left on business, and he slept wonderfully!! He slept until 3:30 the first night and 5:00 the second night, and fell asleep immediately after eating when I put him back in his crib. The first night my husband was not here with us to help me with wake-ups, our son, Gracen, decides that's a good night to wake up every 2-3 hours and he has been consistent in this routine every night my husband has not been here. Here's the thing...God knows I am a pansy when it comes to sleep, but Satan also knows. They also both know that my husband is gone and I have no one to physically rely on for help with sleep. So, Satan attacks my weakest area, but God intended to use this time for good, if I choose to draw near to Him to help me. So, Satan wants my attitudes to be horrible...he wants me to be such a poor example of Jesus to our kids because I am the one who will be with them the next 4 days. Only me. Only broken, messed up, cranky, imperfect me, and I am the only Jesus they will see for the next 4 days. But when I bring the broken and sleep-deprived pieces of my life to Jesus as an offering of thanksgiving, He honors that. He has given me energy I never knew I had. He has provided everything I have needed just like He promises.
In addition to Psalm 92:1, two other verses that the Lord has shown me during this time also stand out to me...Psalm 34:1 and Hebrews 13:15. Psalm 34:1 says that "I will extol the Lord at all times; his praise will always be on my lips" and the verse in Hebrews reminds me that "through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise--the fruit of lips that confess His name." I love those verses, but at the same time, I feel the Holy Spirit leading me to ask myself, Do I really live that? Do I really extol the Lord ALWAYS, with His praise ALWAYS flowing out of my speech? And do I truly rely on Jesus to help me continually offer a sacrifice of praise to my God? I can't do it on my own. The Word says only through Jesus will I be strong enough and awake enough to offer God the sacrifice of praise and thanksgiving He deserves on a daily basis.
So, when I feel so run down and worn out, when my kids are pulling me in four different directions, I will choose to lean on God and I will choose to go back to these verses. The Lord wants me to be THANKFUL ALWAYS. He wants me to praise Him always because He is so good. 1 Thessalonians 5:18 offers me another reason to praise Him always and in all circumstances...this is His will for me!! I am honored that He chooses my circumstances; I am honored because the circumstances He chooses for me will bring Him the most glory! I count it all joy and praise that He is choosing to use me, even in my brokenness and crankiness, and, not only that, but He wants to help me overcome my brokenness and crankiness. That makes my heart smile. My Jesus not only loves me as I am, but wants to help me overcome ALL my weaknesses! I love Him! I can never rely on my spouse for all my needs even when he is here because he is human, too. If I am doing that, my needs will never be met. Instead, I take them to the Lover of my soul and offer up all the broken and ugly pieces of who I am as an offering of praise and He honors even that. Even my weak offering, He honors, makes whole, and uses for His glory!!
Friday, May 23, 2014
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
2 Kids and Counting
For those of you who have read my previous blogs, you know my husband and I committed our family on a journey of faith when we decided that I would quit my job as a high school teacher of six years and stay at home to raise our young daughter. We chose to obey God's leading, trusting Him to provide for our every need, especially when I made more money than my husband at the time and the numbers on paper did not even hint that we would financially survive the drastic pay cut. But we serve a BIG God...One Who knows our every need, comforts our every scrape and hurt, and Who picks us up when we fall down. Ultimately, when we committed to one income, we knew we were in for the ride of our lives. No longer did we falsely believe we were steering our own ship, but letting go of that income also meant letting go of what little control we thought we had over our lives. We knew that God would provide (and He has provided abundantly more than we ever thought or imagined); conversely, we also knew that Satan would begin attacking our family and our steps to raise Godly children in a Godly home. The call was clear, though, and we knew that was God's will for our family, so we stepped out and trusted Him to lead us where He was calling us.
A beautiful thing happens when we obey the Lord. We experience a peace like no other and FREEDOM!! We also expose ourselves to God's work in our lives, His blessings, His provision, and His faithfulness, especially when the future is unclear and the road is rocky. Additionally, obeying the Lord in one area allows us to hear Him more clearly the next time He asks us to follow Him. Every time we obey Him, the closer we walk with Him and the more alert our spiritual ears become the next time He speaks to us. On the other hand, the more we disobey God and ignore His voice, the fainter and fainter His voice becomes in our lives, until our hearts are hardened and we no longer hear His calling. My husband and I want to live a life that is pleasing to the Lord. God tells us in Hebrews 11:6 that "without faith, it is impossible to please God." We still disobey because we are sinful and not perfect, but our goal and desire is to please Him, and that requires faith.
To that end, we have been somewhat blindsided by God in His next call on our lives. I didn't see it coming, and my husband certainly didn't see it coming when I shared it with him one night after work. When we got married, my husband, Josh, and I talked about our plans for our family. We would buy a house in the county where we both worked, remodel it, adopt a dog, be married for two years, then begin expanding our family...on to the American dream, right? We planned on having two biological children, then adopting children. That was what we wanted and agreed on without seeking God's opinion and plans for our lives. Well, God allowed our plan to move along as scripted until we had our first child. That was when the Lord started knocking on my heart, revamping my desires, and calling me to stay at home...whoa, Lord, that was nowhere on my radar. I was going to continue working and our children would go to public school. But, we found ourselves at a crossroads with a clear calling and knocking that we could not deny. Since then, we have found ourselves at a few more significant crossroads where we have a choice to obey our Savior's voice or reject it, such as the one at which we found ourselves last month.
During the second half of our last pregnancy, the Lord started gently knocking on my heart, gently stirring my desires until my desire would match His. I began looking into natural child birth (not what the Lord was calling me to) and what that entailed. I guess it was a little late to start looking into natural child birth, since I was over half way through my pregnancy, but natural child birth intrigued me, so I began looking up articles on the subject and reading other women's stories. While I scrolled through the internet late at night when I should have been asleep, reading various articles on how to give birth medicine-free, I came across an article or two about a Christ-following families who allowed God, the center of their families, to be the One to control the number of children they had. They decided to give up contraceptives and completely trust the Lord to provide the right number of children for them and the means they would need to support that family. That was the first knock on my heart. Later, God would subtly nudge me to other people and families who shared the belief and confidence that God would provide for them, even down to the number of children they birthed. Finally, all the articles and people I talked to came to a head when I felt a sure calling that God was asking me and my family to live the same way, with the same faith that He would decide how many children we have and He would provide for each of their needs. The knock was so loud in my heart that I couldn't deny it any more. I had a choice: I could either ignore God's clear calling or I could tell my husband and ask him to pray about it and through it with me. I chose the latter.
It was quite a comical scene when I told my husband the desire that God had laid on my heart to let go of the one area I still felt like I had control over and allow Him to be the ultimate decision maker for the number of children we would birth. It floored my husband. If the men in your life are anything like my man, he likes to be prepped before entering a conversation like the one I started with him that night. However, I didn't prep him with details beforehand--I had only told him I wanted to talk with him about something God had laid on my heart and ask him to pray with me about it. He politely said ok and asked nothing else about it until he got home and the kids were in bed. When I told him that I felt like God was leading us to give up contraceptives and trust the Lord wholeheartedly in that area, he was floored. He was so taken aback because he didn't see it coming, either. He said something very similar to, "Wait. That is not what we agreed on. We agreed to birth two children, then adopt more." I told him that I knew I had agreed to that and that I did not know God was going to ask us to take this step, either. We both had reservations. Of course, mine were self-centered...I currently have ONE pair of pants that fit me. I don't really like what pregnancy does to my body; I am ready to get fit again. And then there's money. How will we afford more children? Then the Lord gently reminded me that my husband and I can't even afford the two children we have now. The Lord provides every cent we have, every article of food and clothing we own, both of our vehicles, and everything else we have. If we trusted Him to provide for us with two children, why is it difficult to trust Him to provide for us with more kids?
In the book of Matthew, when the Sadducees tried to trick Jesus about marriage at the resurrection, Jesus answered them, "you know neither the Scriptures nor the power of God" (Matthew 22:29). If we knew the Scriptures and His power when we trusted Him to provide for our needs with one child and then two children, then His promises and ability remain true no matter how many children we have. He does not change, nor do His promises. His Word and character were true when the Bible was written and they are true today. He is the same God...God Almighty, the Owner of the cattle on a thousand hills (Psalm 50:10). 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 reminds me that I am not my own. My body does not belong to me, so why should I try to control it myself? Why not allow God to control it, if I believe He is Who He says He is and that He can do what He says He will do? 1 Corinthians continues to state that I should "honor God with my body." Therefore, if I want to honor God with my body, then I will submit it to Him for His glory, whatever that may be. So, after praying about this decision and seeking God's will for our family, my husband and I have decided to let go and let God lead us and control the number of children we have. Children are such a blessing...a HUGE responsibility, but a HUGE blessing! Likewise, obedience and submission are also HUGE blessings and responsibilities, but even when we don't see the next step or past the next step into the future, we know Who holds our future and we can choose to trust in Him. As we take steps of obedience in faith, we experience His perfect peace in the midst of the storm. Our God is good and He is our ultimate Provider. Nothing we have is from ourselves or through our own efforts.
So please partner with us in prayer as we follow the Lord's leading in this next step He has called our family to take. It is a scary one for me, but we are trusting in the Lord's provision. He is Jehovah Jirah!!
A beautiful thing happens when we obey the Lord. We experience a peace like no other and FREEDOM!! We also expose ourselves to God's work in our lives, His blessings, His provision, and His faithfulness, especially when the future is unclear and the road is rocky. Additionally, obeying the Lord in one area allows us to hear Him more clearly the next time He asks us to follow Him. Every time we obey Him, the closer we walk with Him and the more alert our spiritual ears become the next time He speaks to us. On the other hand, the more we disobey God and ignore His voice, the fainter and fainter His voice becomes in our lives, until our hearts are hardened and we no longer hear His calling. My husband and I want to live a life that is pleasing to the Lord. God tells us in Hebrews 11:6 that "without faith, it is impossible to please God." We still disobey because we are sinful and not perfect, but our goal and desire is to please Him, and that requires faith.
To that end, we have been somewhat blindsided by God in His next call on our lives. I didn't see it coming, and my husband certainly didn't see it coming when I shared it with him one night after work. When we got married, my husband, Josh, and I talked about our plans for our family. We would buy a house in the county where we both worked, remodel it, adopt a dog, be married for two years, then begin expanding our family...on to the American dream, right? We planned on having two biological children, then adopting children. That was what we wanted and agreed on without seeking God's opinion and plans for our lives. Well, God allowed our plan to move along as scripted until we had our first child. That was when the Lord started knocking on my heart, revamping my desires, and calling me to stay at home...whoa, Lord, that was nowhere on my radar. I was going to continue working and our children would go to public school. But, we found ourselves at a crossroads with a clear calling and knocking that we could not deny. Since then, we have found ourselves at a few more significant crossroads where we have a choice to obey our Savior's voice or reject it, such as the one at which we found ourselves last month.
During the second half of our last pregnancy, the Lord started gently knocking on my heart, gently stirring my desires until my desire would match His. I began looking into natural child birth (not what the Lord was calling me to) and what that entailed. I guess it was a little late to start looking into natural child birth, since I was over half way through my pregnancy, but natural child birth intrigued me, so I began looking up articles on the subject and reading other women's stories. While I scrolled through the internet late at night when I should have been asleep, reading various articles on how to give birth medicine-free, I came across an article or two about a Christ-following families who allowed God, the center of their families, to be the One to control the number of children they had. They decided to give up contraceptives and completely trust the Lord to provide the right number of children for them and the means they would need to support that family. That was the first knock on my heart. Later, God would subtly nudge me to other people and families who shared the belief and confidence that God would provide for them, even down to the number of children they birthed. Finally, all the articles and people I talked to came to a head when I felt a sure calling that God was asking me and my family to live the same way, with the same faith that He would decide how many children we have and He would provide for each of their needs. The knock was so loud in my heart that I couldn't deny it any more. I had a choice: I could either ignore God's clear calling or I could tell my husband and ask him to pray about it and through it with me. I chose the latter.
It was quite a comical scene when I told my husband the desire that God had laid on my heart to let go of the one area I still felt like I had control over and allow Him to be the ultimate decision maker for the number of children we would birth. It floored my husband. If the men in your life are anything like my man, he likes to be prepped before entering a conversation like the one I started with him that night. However, I didn't prep him with details beforehand--I had only told him I wanted to talk with him about something God had laid on my heart and ask him to pray with me about it. He politely said ok and asked nothing else about it until he got home and the kids were in bed. When I told him that I felt like God was leading us to give up contraceptives and trust the Lord wholeheartedly in that area, he was floored. He was so taken aback because he didn't see it coming, either. He said something very similar to, "Wait. That is not what we agreed on. We agreed to birth two children, then adopt more." I told him that I knew I had agreed to that and that I did not know God was going to ask us to take this step, either. We both had reservations. Of course, mine were self-centered...I currently have ONE pair of pants that fit me. I don't really like what pregnancy does to my body; I am ready to get fit again. And then there's money. How will we afford more children? Then the Lord gently reminded me that my husband and I can't even afford the two children we have now. The Lord provides every cent we have, every article of food and clothing we own, both of our vehicles, and everything else we have. If we trusted Him to provide for us with two children, why is it difficult to trust Him to provide for us with more kids?
In the book of Matthew, when the Sadducees tried to trick Jesus about marriage at the resurrection, Jesus answered them, "you know neither the Scriptures nor the power of God" (Matthew 22:29). If we knew the Scriptures and His power when we trusted Him to provide for our needs with one child and then two children, then His promises and ability remain true no matter how many children we have. He does not change, nor do His promises. His Word and character were true when the Bible was written and they are true today. He is the same God...God Almighty, the Owner of the cattle on a thousand hills (Psalm 50:10). 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 reminds me that I am not my own. My body does not belong to me, so why should I try to control it myself? Why not allow God to control it, if I believe He is Who He says He is and that He can do what He says He will do? 1 Corinthians continues to state that I should "honor God with my body." Therefore, if I want to honor God with my body, then I will submit it to Him for His glory, whatever that may be. So, after praying about this decision and seeking God's will for our family, my husband and I have decided to let go and let God lead us and control the number of children we have. Children are such a blessing...a HUGE responsibility, but a HUGE blessing! Likewise, obedience and submission are also HUGE blessings and responsibilities, but even when we don't see the next step or past the next step into the future, we know Who holds our future and we can choose to trust in Him. As we take steps of obedience in faith, we experience His perfect peace in the midst of the storm. Our God is good and He is our ultimate Provider. Nothing we have is from ourselves or through our own efforts.
So please partner with us in prayer as we follow the Lord's leading in this next step He has called our family to take. It is a scary one for me, but we are trusting in the Lord's provision. He is Jehovah Jirah!!
Friday, November 22, 2013
Par for the Course
I have often heard that if you follow God's call on your life whole heartedly with reckless abandon, don't expect it to be easy. Expect Satan to attack; expect trials to come your way because Satan DOES NOT want you to be effective in the spiritual war for lost souls. He does not want us to live in and by faith, reach others for Christ's Kingdom, or point others to Christ with our lives. When we follow God's call on our life, that's what we are doing, so expect Satan to step in and try to mess things up. Similarly, I have learned that God can lead us into storms like Jesus led His disciples into the literal storm in Matthew 8. Verse 23 of that chapter states that "he got into the boat and his disciples followed him," leading them into the storm. Through that trial in their lives, the disciples hopefully learned that they needed to trust Jesus with every situation in their lives and stop acting in fear. When we live and walk by faith, God wants to use us for His glory. Sometimes, He is most glorified in our weaknesses, so we must trust Him in the storm. He knows best.
So far, since my husband and I made the decision to step out in faith and transition from two incomes to one so I could follow God's call on my life to stay at home with my children, we have experienced these situations. Whether they have been from Satan's attacks or God's leading, we have found ourselves in the middle of a faith battle on more than one occasion. Have we always responded in faith? Absolutely not. I have worried, feared, and reacted much like the disciples did in the boat, calling out "Jesus! Wake up! Save us from this storm!" more times than I would like to admit. But God is very patient and gentle with me, much like He was with His disciples. "Oh, you of little faith" He would gently whisper to my soul, then remind me of His promises in His Word, such as in Exodus 14:14, "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." Or Proverbs 3:5-6 when He says "Trust in Me with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Me and I will make your path straight." Then, I would repent of my sin of fear and worry (lack of trust and faith), and He would help me up, dust me off, and equip me with the power to continue to walk with him in faith and obedience.
Recently, on Halloween day actually, my husband got some scary news at work. Effective January 1, 2014, his company would no longer be paying for our insurance policies--the money would have to come out of his paycheck. We were hit blindsided with this daunting news, looking at the numbers on paper and being faced with a potential $10,000 pay cut in salary, which is essentially what insurance would add up to in a year. We couldn't live on that salary. Only judging by numbers on paper and not by God's omnipotence, we would probably have enough money to pay our immediate bills, but nothing extra--no groceries, gas, clothes, etc. We wouldn't make it. So, here we were in the midst of a storm where we could see no sunlight breaking through and we have a baby on the way. How were we going to pay for medical bills?
In my Bible study, God had been leading me through Matthew and right after this news, He led me to Matthew chapter 6, verses 25-34, which I clung to and prayed throughout this trial. He reminded me what a big God He is and how He has always taken care of us and He always will because we are His children and we are more important to Him than anything else in Creation. So, I clung to those promises. My husband and I swapped off from time to time in our weaknesses. When I was strong, I lifted him up in his weakness and he did the same for me when my faith would waver. Ultimately, we knew God would provide for our needs, we just didn't know how. He is faithful. He has always been faithful in providing for us; His promise doesn't end when we reach a certain trial. His promises never expire; they are true all the time just like He is true all the time.
Meanwhile, as we waited out the storm, we had a few options we could pursue--an alternative job or alternative insurance providers. There was a strong inclination to run! Out of fear, we could have run to another job or another provider, but we chose to pray and wait for God to direct us where to go. So, we did and God provided once again. He has provided insurance for our family at no additional cost to us. What an amazing God we serve!! We had nothing to do with this trial and no way of controlling the situation, but we wanted to focus on God and allow Him to use us in the trial for His glory, even if it meant He would use us on the street. Lol. I have learned that nothing on this earth (my home, material possessions, etc.) comes close to comparing with the relationship I have with my Jesus. I would give up everything I have to follow Him and to live with Him. There is no greater security, hope, joy, and love than that of Jesus. He is our Advocate. He loves us with a passion and wants the best for us. That's why He died for us and left us His Word so we can live an abundant life with Him!!
So far, since my husband and I made the decision to step out in faith and transition from two incomes to one so I could follow God's call on my life to stay at home with my children, we have experienced these situations. Whether they have been from Satan's attacks or God's leading, we have found ourselves in the middle of a faith battle on more than one occasion. Have we always responded in faith? Absolutely not. I have worried, feared, and reacted much like the disciples did in the boat, calling out "Jesus! Wake up! Save us from this storm!" more times than I would like to admit. But God is very patient and gentle with me, much like He was with His disciples. "Oh, you of little faith" He would gently whisper to my soul, then remind me of His promises in His Word, such as in Exodus 14:14, "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." Or Proverbs 3:5-6 when He says "Trust in Me with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Me and I will make your path straight." Then, I would repent of my sin of fear and worry (lack of trust and faith), and He would help me up, dust me off, and equip me with the power to continue to walk with him in faith and obedience.
Recently, on Halloween day actually, my husband got some scary news at work. Effective January 1, 2014, his company would no longer be paying for our insurance policies--the money would have to come out of his paycheck. We were hit blindsided with this daunting news, looking at the numbers on paper and being faced with a potential $10,000 pay cut in salary, which is essentially what insurance would add up to in a year. We couldn't live on that salary. Only judging by numbers on paper and not by God's omnipotence, we would probably have enough money to pay our immediate bills, but nothing extra--no groceries, gas, clothes, etc. We wouldn't make it. So, here we were in the midst of a storm where we could see no sunlight breaking through and we have a baby on the way. How were we going to pay for medical bills?
In my Bible study, God had been leading me through Matthew and right after this news, He led me to Matthew chapter 6, verses 25-34, which I clung to and prayed throughout this trial. He reminded me what a big God He is and how He has always taken care of us and He always will because we are His children and we are more important to Him than anything else in Creation. So, I clung to those promises. My husband and I swapped off from time to time in our weaknesses. When I was strong, I lifted him up in his weakness and he did the same for me when my faith would waver. Ultimately, we knew God would provide for our needs, we just didn't know how. He is faithful. He has always been faithful in providing for us; His promise doesn't end when we reach a certain trial. His promises never expire; they are true all the time just like He is true all the time.
Meanwhile, as we waited out the storm, we had a few options we could pursue--an alternative job or alternative insurance providers. There was a strong inclination to run! Out of fear, we could have run to another job or another provider, but we chose to pray and wait for God to direct us where to go. So, we did and God provided once again. He has provided insurance for our family at no additional cost to us. What an amazing God we serve!! We had nothing to do with this trial and no way of controlling the situation, but we wanted to focus on God and allow Him to use us in the trial for His glory, even if it meant He would use us on the street. Lol. I have learned that nothing on this earth (my home, material possessions, etc.) comes close to comparing with the relationship I have with my Jesus. I would give up everything I have to follow Him and to live with Him. There is no greater security, hope, joy, and love than that of Jesus. He is our Advocate. He loves us with a passion and wants the best for us. That's why He died for us and left us His Word so we can live an abundant life with Him!!
Monday, August 19, 2013
Apples to Oranges
So, finding time to blog while preparing for a baby, "homeschooling" my child, doing housework, and earning money for medical bills has proven to be somewhat difficult. :) I am still wondering what kind of schedule my sweet little family will be on when we become a family of four in December. In the midst of it all, though, my God is still finding ways to love on me and sharpen me in my walk with Him.
Like some of my posts, this post is raw, meaning I am still walking through this trial. Like all of my posts, this one is real. I like to be transparent--it is the way I am with my heavenly Father and it is the way I am with anyone who is around me. I am not perfect, but I love learning from my mistakes. I love it even more when my heavenly Father gently shows me my mistakes and lovingly leads me through them, fixing me as we go. Letting Him take the driver's seat in my life is the only way I grow, becoming more mature and, hopefully, more like Christ.
I mentioned in a previous post that my husband and I prayed for and tried to conceive another child for eight months. I know some women have to wait much, much longer than that before they conceive and some women never conceive at all. I can't even imagine walking through that and my heart hurts for those women. I do not want to seem callous or not compassionate toward those situations, but if your story is one that has not turned out the way you hoped in the area of children, I encourage you to keep reading. I think you will find that the message of this post is one we have in common. Going back to the prayers and hopes of my husband and me, God chose to answer our prayer after eight long, silent months and a three-day fast for the conception of another child. I had given the situation over to Him and let Him control it and lead us as He desired, all for our good (Romans 8:28). We were pleasantly surprised when a pregnancy test came back positive in March. We were beyond delighted and praised God over and over for His grace over us.
However, the journey of preparing for and making a home for this baby has grown me and is growing my faith as we speak. Like many American families in today's world, our funds are not immaculate. We answered a call God put on my life to stay at home when the financial numbers did not add up on paper. We took a step of faith for me to stop working outside the home and work inside the home full-time, trusting God to provide for all our needs (Philippians 4:19). And He has. Every step of the way, He has been faithful to us. We have everything we need and are not lacking anything essential in our daily living. He has taught us ways to be frugal and cut spending, ways to earn a little money on the side, and, most importantly, has sharpened our faith like no Sunday school lesson ever could. Lately, though, my faith has wavered.
When I was praying for the conception of a child, part of my prayer was "...but only if You can financially provide for us and the new baby, Lord." Part of me, my flesh, was focused on the numbers on paper and I was nervous about how we would ever pay for a new baby, an addition to our family. I asked my husband about it and he calmly said, "We'll just trust God with that." All the counsel we had ever heard from good friends from which we seek Godly counsel was "Don't wait until you have money to have kids because you'll remain childless." Therefore, trying to have a baby was another step of faith my husband and I decided to take together. If we had it our way and money was no matter, our house would be full of children, natural and adopted--bring them on. But, it is our responsibility to feed, clothe, and provide an education for them.
Needless to say, my flesh started to take over. The medical bills started to roll in, the first major one being the amount the doctor's office said we owed BEFORE delivery to pay for the delivery. They put us on a payment plan that I shared with my husband that afternoon. He let loose a deep sigh and made some comment about how he didn't know how we were going to pay all of that. Lightheartedly and in a joking tone, I playfully asked, "What happened to trusting God?" But, I can relate to his reaction. I hate to admit it, but it is so easy to take our eyes off of our God, the Owner of everything in the earth, including the money, and put our eyes on our circumstances, focusing on the mountain of bills and the flatlands of our household income.
I had no idea how we were going to pay our bills. So, I started to pray. I prayed for God to open my eyes to ways I could help with our income. I started selling furniture and other items we had around the house that we did not need or use any more and publicizing my artwork, and God has blessed it. So far, those two means are how we have paid off our medical bills. But, that is where the spiritual struggle came in. Taking my eyes off of Jesus again, I started looking around at other families who have been financially "blessed," families who have abundantly more than we have and I started to compare my family to theirs, which caused me to feel sorry for my family, angry, and jealous, none of which are emotions that please God. They don't please God because when we feel that way, we are not trusting Him to meet our needs. We are looking for our needs to be met in other places, and God longs to be that for us; He longs to be our Provider, Shelter, and Refuge, and that is what I have found in Him through this walk.
I came across Psalm 37 one morning during the time I usually meet with my Savior. I have prayed through the entire chapter more than once, but some of the passages that stood out to me are "Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him...Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways...Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret--it only leads to evil...Better the little that the righteous have than the wealth of many wicked;...but the Lord upholds the righteous...Wait for the Lord and keep his way. He will exalt you to inherit the land... ." Through that chapter, God gently reminded me that my eyes were not focused in the right place. I had chosen to focus on what I thought we lacked, rather than on the multiple blessings God has showered on my family. God never promised that our journey through this world would be a smooth or easy one, but He does make several promises in Psalm 37 alone--that He will give me the desires of my heart; that He will make my righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of my cause like the noonday sun; the Lord will uphold me; the Lord will lift me up and give me the land where I need to live. He has and always will be everything we need and everything we need is found in Him alone. I have learned that my family is one, too, that has been financially blessed--just like the families to which I was comparing us!
When I feel my fleshly emotions and attitudes start rising up, I go back to Psalm 37. I refocus, setting my eyes on Him and proclaiming His promises and provision in my life. I know that in this world, especially today, it is so easy for us to compare ourselves to others, whether it be physically, materialistically, intellectually, financially, or in other ways, but God is the Author and Perfecter of our faith and He is the only One to Whom we are held accountable. He is true, His ways are true and right, and His promises are true. I know because they are true in my life. As long as I am faithful to abide in Him, seek Him, and follow His ways, all of which show my love for Him, none of which are rules I have to follow, He will continue to provide for and bless us. And because I love Him, I will continue to walk in His ways.
I like when the psalmist of Psalm 37 says, "though he [a person following the Lord] stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand." That is why I can be real with God--that is why I don't have to pretend to be anything different, flaws, worries, doubts, and all--because my God upholds me. It's OK for me to stumble--He knows I am going to, which is why He is already lovingly prepared to catch me and pick me back up. I don't have to try to be perfect--God is sufficient for me. I am not sufficient, I fall everyday and stumble in my faith, but God is sufficient. He knows my inconsistencies, fears, worries, etc., but He loves me anyway and He loves me just the same.
So, if you are like me and sometimes find yourself comparing your own life, body, or circumstances to others, remember that they are not our standard. Christ is our standard and the One Who loves us the most in this world. He will complete us, satisfy us, and provide for us in ways that no person or thing in this world ever can. He is our everything!
Like some of my posts, this post is raw, meaning I am still walking through this trial. Like all of my posts, this one is real. I like to be transparent--it is the way I am with my heavenly Father and it is the way I am with anyone who is around me. I am not perfect, but I love learning from my mistakes. I love it even more when my heavenly Father gently shows me my mistakes and lovingly leads me through them, fixing me as we go. Letting Him take the driver's seat in my life is the only way I grow, becoming more mature and, hopefully, more like Christ.
I mentioned in a previous post that my husband and I prayed for and tried to conceive another child for eight months. I know some women have to wait much, much longer than that before they conceive and some women never conceive at all. I can't even imagine walking through that and my heart hurts for those women. I do not want to seem callous or not compassionate toward those situations, but if your story is one that has not turned out the way you hoped in the area of children, I encourage you to keep reading. I think you will find that the message of this post is one we have in common. Going back to the prayers and hopes of my husband and me, God chose to answer our prayer after eight long, silent months and a three-day fast for the conception of another child. I had given the situation over to Him and let Him control it and lead us as He desired, all for our good (Romans 8:28). We were pleasantly surprised when a pregnancy test came back positive in March. We were beyond delighted and praised God over and over for His grace over us.
However, the journey of preparing for and making a home for this baby has grown me and is growing my faith as we speak. Like many American families in today's world, our funds are not immaculate. We answered a call God put on my life to stay at home when the financial numbers did not add up on paper. We took a step of faith for me to stop working outside the home and work inside the home full-time, trusting God to provide for all our needs (Philippians 4:19). And He has. Every step of the way, He has been faithful to us. We have everything we need and are not lacking anything essential in our daily living. He has taught us ways to be frugal and cut spending, ways to earn a little money on the side, and, most importantly, has sharpened our faith like no Sunday school lesson ever could. Lately, though, my faith has wavered.
When I was praying for the conception of a child, part of my prayer was "...but only if You can financially provide for us and the new baby, Lord." Part of me, my flesh, was focused on the numbers on paper and I was nervous about how we would ever pay for a new baby, an addition to our family. I asked my husband about it and he calmly said, "We'll just trust God with that." All the counsel we had ever heard from good friends from which we seek Godly counsel was "Don't wait until you have money to have kids because you'll remain childless." Therefore, trying to have a baby was another step of faith my husband and I decided to take together. If we had it our way and money was no matter, our house would be full of children, natural and adopted--bring them on. But, it is our responsibility to feed, clothe, and provide an education for them.
Needless to say, my flesh started to take over. The medical bills started to roll in, the first major one being the amount the doctor's office said we owed BEFORE delivery to pay for the delivery. They put us on a payment plan that I shared with my husband that afternoon. He let loose a deep sigh and made some comment about how he didn't know how we were going to pay all of that. Lightheartedly and in a joking tone, I playfully asked, "What happened to trusting God?" But, I can relate to his reaction. I hate to admit it, but it is so easy to take our eyes off of our God, the Owner of everything in the earth, including the money, and put our eyes on our circumstances, focusing on the mountain of bills and the flatlands of our household income.
I had no idea how we were going to pay our bills. So, I started to pray. I prayed for God to open my eyes to ways I could help with our income. I started selling furniture and other items we had around the house that we did not need or use any more and publicizing my artwork, and God has blessed it. So far, those two means are how we have paid off our medical bills. But, that is where the spiritual struggle came in. Taking my eyes off of Jesus again, I started looking around at other families who have been financially "blessed," families who have abundantly more than we have and I started to compare my family to theirs, which caused me to feel sorry for my family, angry, and jealous, none of which are emotions that please God. They don't please God because when we feel that way, we are not trusting Him to meet our needs. We are looking for our needs to be met in other places, and God longs to be that for us; He longs to be our Provider, Shelter, and Refuge, and that is what I have found in Him through this walk.
I came across Psalm 37 one morning during the time I usually meet with my Savior. I have prayed through the entire chapter more than once, but some of the passages that stood out to me are "Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him...Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways...Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret--it only leads to evil...Better the little that the righteous have than the wealth of many wicked;...but the Lord upholds the righteous...Wait for the Lord and keep his way. He will exalt you to inherit the land... ." Through that chapter, God gently reminded me that my eyes were not focused in the right place. I had chosen to focus on what I thought we lacked, rather than on the multiple blessings God has showered on my family. God never promised that our journey through this world would be a smooth or easy one, but He does make several promises in Psalm 37 alone--that He will give me the desires of my heart; that He will make my righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of my cause like the noonday sun; the Lord will uphold me; the Lord will lift me up and give me the land where I need to live. He has and always will be everything we need and everything we need is found in Him alone. I have learned that my family is one, too, that has been financially blessed--just like the families to which I was comparing us!
When I feel my fleshly emotions and attitudes start rising up, I go back to Psalm 37. I refocus, setting my eyes on Him and proclaiming His promises and provision in my life. I know that in this world, especially today, it is so easy for us to compare ourselves to others, whether it be physically, materialistically, intellectually, financially, or in other ways, but God is the Author and Perfecter of our faith and He is the only One to Whom we are held accountable. He is true, His ways are true and right, and His promises are true. I know because they are true in my life. As long as I am faithful to abide in Him, seek Him, and follow His ways, all of which show my love for Him, none of which are rules I have to follow, He will continue to provide for and bless us. And because I love Him, I will continue to walk in His ways.
I like when the psalmist of Psalm 37 says, "though he [a person following the Lord] stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand." That is why I can be real with God--that is why I don't have to pretend to be anything different, flaws, worries, doubts, and all--because my God upholds me. It's OK for me to stumble--He knows I am going to, which is why He is already lovingly prepared to catch me and pick me back up. I don't have to try to be perfect--God is sufficient for me. I am not sufficient, I fall everyday and stumble in my faith, but God is sufficient. He knows my inconsistencies, fears, worries, etc., but He loves me anyway and He loves me just the same.
So, if you are like me and sometimes find yourself comparing your own life, body, or circumstances to others, remember that they are not our standard. Christ is our standard and the One Who loves us the most in this world. He will complete us, satisfy us, and provide for us in ways that no person or thing in this world ever can. He is our everything!
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
A Tribute to My Dad
As some of you know, my dad was admitted to the hospital on February 21 of this year and never got to come back to his earthly home to be with my mom. Initially, he was admitted to the hospital for an infection in his toe, and while in the ambulance, suffered from a heart attack. When he arrived at the hospital, they proceeded to treat the most significant illness, his heart, then from there treat the infection in his toe. My dad had several different health issues and when the medical staff would treat one symptom or diagnosis, that treatment would cause a problem somewhere else, and so on. This cycle continued until Monday of last week when he went into cardiac arrest, ultimately causing his death.
My dad was a very special man, loyal to God, his family, church, friends, and business clients. He was tired and ready to go home to be with His Lord and Savior. My brothers and I were given the honor of speaking on his behalf, sharing the legacy that he left behind, at his funeral last weekend. I would like to share the eulogy that I wrote for my dad and shared with the congregation on Saturday. It was a packed house; my dad impacted and influenced the lives of many people. I added and changed a few words in some places to help it make sense to everyone.
I wish there were words in my limited vocabulary to accurately describe my dad and what he meant to our family. But, as you know, words are never enough to paint a complete picture of a real life, someone who lived and breathed and moved. What an honor it is for me to be able to stand here and speak of him this way. We are here to celebrate my dad's life on this side of eternity and now his triumph over death through Jesus Christ in heaven, joining in the ultimate worship celebration of our King of Kings and Lord of Lords, the one true God. I wonder if it is a contemporary or traditional service, a subject we often discussed. I know that if it is contemporary, boy was he thrown for a loop! But, I can see him anyway, right now, raising his hands in praise and bowing on his knees before the Lord, his Maker and Redeemer. For those of you who know my dad and his worship style, that picture should put a smile on your face. He is holding nothing back in worship now. He and I definitely worshiped our Lord differently, but either way, we shared a common love and life in our Savior Jesus Christ Who is "the Way, the Truth, and the Life" and "no one comes to the Father except through Him" (John 14:6). He is the only way we get to spend eternity in heaven, which is why we can celebrate today, because that is where my Dad is--he has received the prize that was set forth before him.
In the last few months, Dad seemed to look forward to our conversations about the Bible and our walks with Christ, what He was teaching each one of us, both of knowing that we were not perfect and had a lot of growing to do. I was able to fast and pray fervently for my dad while he was sick and then able to share the insight God gave me about one of His Names, Adonai--the assurance that God is our Master, we are not our own, we were bought at a price and He, our loving Father, holds us right in the palm of His hand, no matter what trial we are facing or enduring. I was able to see his face light up and tears fill his eyes because of the Word God shared with me. As always, God's Word encouraged him and lifted him up at just the right moment.
When I reflect on my dad and memories of him, the one attribute that stands out over all the others, that overshadows everything else, is LOVE. The Bible, in 1 Corinthians 13, describes my dad--it gives a definition of love, which was always the motivation behind everything my dad did and said. I can easily replace the words "love" and "it" in this passage with "my dad." The Word reads, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
Growing up with my dad was wonderful--not perfect, but wonderful. There were plenty of times he embarrassed me on the sidelines of my soccer games, yelling at the referees instead of cheering me on. I don't just mean yelling at the referee, but hackling him, even being thrown out of a few games. Oh, the horror for THAT parent to be mine. One game, I even yelled up to the stands, "Shut up, Dad!" I had tuned him out long enough and couldn't take it any more. That stopped him for all of about 30 seconds before he was right back at it. I'm not even sure he heard me. That's how passionate he was about things he was interested in.
Dad imparted his love for singing to me, even though I am horrible at it, and taught me how to say hallelujah while he drove me to the babysitter's every morning--he always loved to retell those memories. I looked forward to him coming home from work at night so he could play a board game with me. He was the voice of reason in my life and the comic relief in our family. He taught me a lot of life lessons, far beyond these, and always supported me with unconditional and faithful love.
One of my favorite memories of him were the times he was in charge of supper. This is funny if you know both of my parents because they were completely opposite. My mom is the rule following, everything in life needs to fit in a box, it is black and white with no gray, hands and 10 and 2 while driving. My dad, on the other hand, was Mr. Go-With-the-Flow, one handed driver, laid back knowing that everything would take care of itself. One of the rules my mom always followed was our nightly menu, which consisted of a meat, two vegetables (one always being green), and a salad or fruit. Well, Dad only knew how to cook two things: grilled cheese sandwiches and scrambled eggs--there was nothing green nor any vegetables in that meal. So, when Mom was out, that's what we ate and we didn't tell Mom at all. It was like we were breaking the cardinal rule of our household.
Finally and most importantly, my dad always leaned on the Lord, and even more so in his last days. I believe that Psalm 18:1-6 accurately describes the relationship my dad shared with the Lord, one that was eternal and steadfast. It reads:
I love you, O Lord, my strength.
The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
I call to the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies.
The cords of death entangled me; the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.
The cords of the grave coiled around me; the snares of death confronted me.
In my distress I called to the Lord; I cried to my God for help.
From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears.
My dad always knew the Lord could hear him and could save him and would in His perfect time. He always knew he could count on his God.
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Raw Faith: Satan's Attack
I don't know why this surprises me. I would have thought (or hoped) my spiritual eyes saw more keenly than this, after walking with my Lord for a few years now, but Satan blindsided me again. Why can't I see, know, and remember that EVERY time I experience spiritual victory in my life, Satan is coming?? Why don't I safeguard myself from his attacks after celebrating with my Lord during a mountaintop experience? A sure sign that we are on God's pathway is that Satan WILL attack. Satan does not want us to experience spiritual victory. He does not want us to pursue God or teach our children His Word. He does not want us to live in victory and chase after our Savior with reckless abandonment.
Recently, God has lovingly and gently walked with me through some pretty painful moments and memories. He has revived me and helped me overcome countless insecurities. So, I was feeling pretty good about the victories God had led me through. I was celebrating a life of freedom from insecurity with clear direction and vision about my dad's health and status in the hospital and about our desire to conceive another child (please refer to my previous post). Then, I realized a painful reality in the shower tonight. I have allowed another insecurity to creep up--fear, doubt, and worry, which has caused me to allow idols to slither their way into God's rightful seat as the highest priority in my life. Right after receiving a positive pregnancy test (a spiritual high), Satan attacked. Of course, he did not attack with bright flashing neon signs (which would have been helpful to me), but in ways that seemed logical if I was not keeping myself bathed in God's Word and prayer. He started bringing stories and fears of miscarriage to me, through memories and others' stories I would "just happen" to hear during the day. So, my natural tendency was to worry and fear when those thoughts ran through my head (I still fight my weak flesh every day). Instead of my first thought being I need to dive into Scripture and prayer, my first thought was, if I could just go to the doctor and see the baby on the sonogram, I will know everything is okay, a false sense of security.
I had called the doctor's office right after I received a positive pregnancy test, which was right around 5 weeks. They scheduled my appointment for two weeks later, when I would technically be 7 weeks pregnant. The day before my appointment, the nurse called to reschedule because my doctor had a family emergency she had to take care of, so we scheduled it for the same day the following week. Literally, the afternoon right before my new appointment, the nurse called again to say that my doctor would be longer in handling this emergency and I would have to wait two full weeks to see her for my first preggo appointment. I was more than bummed. That waiting period between my 7 week appointment and the final appointment, when I would be 10.5 weeks, was the longest time ever! Those days seem to drag by, but God knew that my faith needed to grow. I needed that time to trust in Him; the family emergency didn't just happen at such an inconvenient time for me. That was not coincidence. God loves me and He wanted to take the time to grow my faith. So, I started worshiping God, praying, and diving into Scripture harder than before. I started praying for my doctor and her family emergency. I could only imagine it was a death in the family and I had no idea where her family lived. How stressful to have to travel far and cope with the loss of someone so close to you, in addition to a full-time job and patients back at home who count on you for their medical well-being. I could not even imagine walking in her shoes at that time. All I knew was that if I was walking in her shoes, I would want prayer and lots of it! My walk of "faith" was not pretty during that time and I definitely did not walk like a "graceful Christian." As much as I don't want to admit it, it was a grueling effort at times to put my trust in my Savior, Who has proven His faithfulness to me over and over again. It was difficult to worship when my focus was somewhere else, but I fought for my focus to be right and to be fixed on Him. I didn't care how many times it took to run back to Him, I tried to do it every time I feared and He was always right there, welcoming me back. My husband and I did finally make it to see the doctor and sonogram, where we were very relieved and thankful that we have a healthy squirmy baby growing in my belly. God is so faithful to me when I am not--all praise to Him for this wonderful blessing and gift of life! That's my God, my Love!
I have been meaning to write this post for about a month now, but life has been too hectic and I have been feeling too badly for me to actually get a moment and sit and write. I wanted to write it before my doctor's appointment. I wanted to be in a place spiritually where I could honestly say that I fully trusted that our baby was completely safe and healthy. Now that it is almost two weeks after our appointment where we finally got to see our little guy (I think it's a boy 100%) and know he is healthy, I thought well, why am I posting this now? Isn't my faith going to seem shallow? I mean, I saw the baby--it's easy for me to say he's okay now; that doesn't take faith to say it after I have SEEN it. I don't want people to think I didn't have faith during the waiting process to actually see him for the first time. But the reality is, my faith did waver while I was waiting--you can ask any of my friends. I did not have strong faith during that time. It was much easier to focus on stories of miscarriage and look at my nonexistent belly than focus on my God and His promises. My sickness, not my faith, was my only hope so many times. That shouldn't have been the case. I should never have put my faith in something tangible, something worldly and temporary, because one morning I woke up and I felt great. I did not feel pregnant at all. So, what did I do? Instead of celebrating and enjoying the fresh energy, I worried. I feared that something had happened during the night and we had miscarried. Those few weeks of waiting were the toughest for me and my faith. God knew, though, that I needed that time to allow Him to work in me.
The negative part of the story is obviously my wavering faith, but there is always a beautiful side of every story with God. He is the beautiful side. My God is unwavering. He is faithful, loving, kind, compassionate, and patient. He is my Abba Father, and that is what He was to me during that time. He did not scold me, but kept gently reminding me that He was there with me. I love the verses in Hebrews that describe our High Priest, Jesus, 4:15-16 & 5:2--"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are--yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need...He is able to deal gently with those who are ignorant and are going astray, since he himself is subject to weakness." That's the side of my Jesus I walked with during that time. He dealt with me so gently because He Himself knew weakness when He walked this earth in the flesh. He understands everything I go through, every spiritual battle I face and He is right there, ready to receive me every time I run back to Him.
During those agonizing weeks, I thought of Abraham and reflected on how much I could relate to him. He was a person like me and every time he stumbled in his faith, he ran right back to God. His first response was to build an altar, worship God, and rededicate his life to His Master, our loving Father. So that's what I did. Every time I feared, doubted, or worried, I would run straight to God's Word. I would return to Him and allow Him to remind me of Who He is and His promises to me as His sacred child. It was not easy to run back to Him always--I hate to admit that a lot of times it was easier to think about stories of women who had miscarried and compare myself to them and convince myself that was happening to me. That didn't matter to my Father, though. His response was always the same--waiting with open arms for His daughter, ready to pour out mercy, grace, and strength to help me in my time of need.
Similarly to being able to relate to Abraham, I also felt a little like Peter, who got out of the boat and walked on water when He saw His Jesus walking on water. Matthew recalls the event of Peter and his friends seeing Jesus walking to them on the water. They were scared and thought Jesus was a ghost. Jesus patiently responded with reassuring and encouraging words, not words of anger or frustration because of their fear. He said, "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid." So, Peter, with his eyes on Jesus stepped out of the boat and began to walk on water when Jesus called him to come. Once Peter got out of the boat, though, his eyes and focus shifted to the wind and he became scared, which caused him to begin to sink. He took his eyes off Jesus. He shifted his focus to his circumstances and the facts that surrounded him, rather than the true nature and character of Jesus. But I love this story because it paints such a beautiful picture of the way Jesus responds to us when our focus changes, when our faith wavers. Verse 31 states that "immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him." I love it! As soon as my faith is shaken, Jesus is there with His hand to catch me! His next question to Peter was a gentle, "Why did you doubt?" Jesus knows Who He is and Who His Father is and He wants us to know them intimately, too. He wants our faith to be so strong that all we see is our God and Jesus during our trials, so He doesn't want us to doubt, but He understands when we do and He is there to catch us and get us back on track. He's not there to scold us and make us feel guilty. That's not Who my God is.
I am so thankful that we serve such a loving God Who is there to uphold us, remind us of His love, and gently take us back every time we fall away, even if only for a moment. Zephaniah 3:17 has been my favorite verse since I heard my pastor preach on it. It has become my favorite during this season of my life because it perfectly captures my Jesus and His love for me. It says "the Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in your, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." My God does that for me no matter how many times I doubt, worry, fear, or stray. He loves me so completely, passionately, and eternally that nothing can separate me from Him or pluck me out of His hand!!
Recently, God has lovingly and gently walked with me through some pretty painful moments and memories. He has revived me and helped me overcome countless insecurities. So, I was feeling pretty good about the victories God had led me through. I was celebrating a life of freedom from insecurity with clear direction and vision about my dad's health and status in the hospital and about our desire to conceive another child (please refer to my previous post). Then, I realized a painful reality in the shower tonight. I have allowed another insecurity to creep up--fear, doubt, and worry, which has caused me to allow idols to slither their way into God's rightful seat as the highest priority in my life. Right after receiving a positive pregnancy test (a spiritual high), Satan attacked. Of course, he did not attack with bright flashing neon signs (which would have been helpful to me), but in ways that seemed logical if I was not keeping myself bathed in God's Word and prayer. He started bringing stories and fears of miscarriage to me, through memories and others' stories I would "just happen" to hear during the day. So, my natural tendency was to worry and fear when those thoughts ran through my head (I still fight my weak flesh every day). Instead of my first thought being I need to dive into Scripture and prayer, my first thought was, if I could just go to the doctor and see the baby on the sonogram, I will know everything is okay, a false sense of security.
I had called the doctor's office right after I received a positive pregnancy test, which was right around 5 weeks. They scheduled my appointment for two weeks later, when I would technically be 7 weeks pregnant. The day before my appointment, the nurse called to reschedule because my doctor had a family emergency she had to take care of, so we scheduled it for the same day the following week. Literally, the afternoon right before my new appointment, the nurse called again to say that my doctor would be longer in handling this emergency and I would have to wait two full weeks to see her for my first preggo appointment. I was more than bummed. That waiting period between my 7 week appointment and the final appointment, when I would be 10.5 weeks, was the longest time ever! Those days seem to drag by, but God knew that my faith needed to grow. I needed that time to trust in Him; the family emergency didn't just happen at such an inconvenient time for me. That was not coincidence. God loves me and He wanted to take the time to grow my faith. So, I started worshiping God, praying, and diving into Scripture harder than before. I started praying for my doctor and her family emergency. I could only imagine it was a death in the family and I had no idea where her family lived. How stressful to have to travel far and cope with the loss of someone so close to you, in addition to a full-time job and patients back at home who count on you for their medical well-being. I could not even imagine walking in her shoes at that time. All I knew was that if I was walking in her shoes, I would want prayer and lots of it! My walk of "faith" was not pretty during that time and I definitely did not walk like a "graceful Christian." As much as I don't want to admit it, it was a grueling effort at times to put my trust in my Savior, Who has proven His faithfulness to me over and over again. It was difficult to worship when my focus was somewhere else, but I fought for my focus to be right and to be fixed on Him. I didn't care how many times it took to run back to Him, I tried to do it every time I feared and He was always right there, welcoming me back. My husband and I did finally make it to see the doctor and sonogram, where we were very relieved and thankful that we have a healthy squirmy baby growing in my belly. God is so faithful to me when I am not--all praise to Him for this wonderful blessing and gift of life! That's my God, my Love!
I have been meaning to write this post for about a month now, but life has been too hectic and I have been feeling too badly for me to actually get a moment and sit and write. I wanted to write it before my doctor's appointment. I wanted to be in a place spiritually where I could honestly say that I fully trusted that our baby was completely safe and healthy. Now that it is almost two weeks after our appointment where we finally got to see our little guy (I think it's a boy 100%) and know he is healthy, I thought well, why am I posting this now? Isn't my faith going to seem shallow? I mean, I saw the baby--it's easy for me to say he's okay now; that doesn't take faith to say it after I have SEEN it. I don't want people to think I didn't have faith during the waiting process to actually see him for the first time. But the reality is, my faith did waver while I was waiting--you can ask any of my friends. I did not have strong faith during that time. It was much easier to focus on stories of miscarriage and look at my nonexistent belly than focus on my God and His promises. My sickness, not my faith, was my only hope so many times. That shouldn't have been the case. I should never have put my faith in something tangible, something worldly and temporary, because one morning I woke up and I felt great. I did not feel pregnant at all. So, what did I do? Instead of celebrating and enjoying the fresh energy, I worried. I feared that something had happened during the night and we had miscarried. Those few weeks of waiting were the toughest for me and my faith. God knew, though, that I needed that time to allow Him to work in me.
The negative part of the story is obviously my wavering faith, but there is always a beautiful side of every story with God. He is the beautiful side. My God is unwavering. He is faithful, loving, kind, compassionate, and patient. He is my Abba Father, and that is what He was to me during that time. He did not scold me, but kept gently reminding me that He was there with me. I love the verses in Hebrews that describe our High Priest, Jesus, 4:15-16 & 5:2--"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are--yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need...He is able to deal gently with those who are ignorant and are going astray, since he himself is subject to weakness." That's the side of my Jesus I walked with during that time. He dealt with me so gently because He Himself knew weakness when He walked this earth in the flesh. He understands everything I go through, every spiritual battle I face and He is right there, ready to receive me every time I run back to Him.
During those agonizing weeks, I thought of Abraham and reflected on how much I could relate to him. He was a person like me and every time he stumbled in his faith, he ran right back to God. His first response was to build an altar, worship God, and rededicate his life to His Master, our loving Father. So that's what I did. Every time I feared, doubted, or worried, I would run straight to God's Word. I would return to Him and allow Him to remind me of Who He is and His promises to me as His sacred child. It was not easy to run back to Him always--I hate to admit that a lot of times it was easier to think about stories of women who had miscarried and compare myself to them and convince myself that was happening to me. That didn't matter to my Father, though. His response was always the same--waiting with open arms for His daughter, ready to pour out mercy, grace, and strength to help me in my time of need.
Similarly to being able to relate to Abraham, I also felt a little like Peter, who got out of the boat and walked on water when He saw His Jesus walking on water. Matthew recalls the event of Peter and his friends seeing Jesus walking to them on the water. They were scared and thought Jesus was a ghost. Jesus patiently responded with reassuring and encouraging words, not words of anger or frustration because of their fear. He said, "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid." So, Peter, with his eyes on Jesus stepped out of the boat and began to walk on water when Jesus called him to come. Once Peter got out of the boat, though, his eyes and focus shifted to the wind and he became scared, which caused him to begin to sink. He took his eyes off Jesus. He shifted his focus to his circumstances and the facts that surrounded him, rather than the true nature and character of Jesus. But I love this story because it paints such a beautiful picture of the way Jesus responds to us when our focus changes, when our faith wavers. Verse 31 states that "immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him." I love it! As soon as my faith is shaken, Jesus is there with His hand to catch me! His next question to Peter was a gentle, "Why did you doubt?" Jesus knows Who He is and Who His Father is and He wants us to know them intimately, too. He wants our faith to be so strong that all we see is our God and Jesus during our trials, so He doesn't want us to doubt, but He understands when we do and He is there to catch us and get us back on track. He's not there to scold us and make us feel guilty. That's not Who my God is.
I am so thankful that we serve such a loving God Who is there to uphold us, remind us of His love, and gently take us back every time we fall away, even if only for a moment. Zephaniah 3:17 has been my favorite verse since I heard my pastor preach on it. It has become my favorite during this season of my life because it perfectly captures my Jesus and His love for me. It says "the Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in your, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." My God does that for me no matter how many times I doubt, worry, fear, or stray. He loves me so completely, passionately, and eternally that nothing can separate me from Him or pluck me out of His hand!!
Thursday, April 25, 2013
A Sweet Surprise
After a fairly long break, I am very excited to be able to share this special story to kickstart my return to blogging! God has walked with my husband and I through a very different season of our lives. I have had to take a break from my blog to focus on God and cling to Him during this season. I have spent some sweet time with my Heavenly Father. I have learned to worship Him differently and more intimately and I have experienced His characteristics, love, and mercy in fresh and new ways. My husband and I have experienced a dry season, one in which God has allowed us to wait on several things we long for and one where our faith has even been tested, but through it all, our loving Heavenly Father has shined His face on us and showered us with His love and kisses as He has walked with us every step of the way. He truly is our Rock and Fortress and He never leaves us or forsakes us, even when we don't feel Him with us.
One of the sweetest times I spent with my heavenly Father happened recently, about a month ago. My dad has been suffering for quite some time with his health and has been battling several issues in the hospital for over two months now. He had grown very discouraged and saddened by the cycle in which he seemed to be caught. He would see some improvements, then something else would go wrong; he would think he was going to be discharged (and actually was a couple of times), then he would find himself still (or right back) in the hospital, the last place he wants to be. He confessed on several occasions that his condition was very discouraging. Through all of his suffering, he has held on to the God of his youth, the God Who loves Him, and he has continued to seek Him for help, "leaning not on his own understanding" (Proverbs 3:5).
Additionally, my husband and I have had a desire to expand our family and have been trying to get pregnant for almost a year. We, like my dad, were growing very discouraged with our circumstances. Finally, the burdens of my dad's illnesses and hospitalization and our inability to conceived weighed so heavily on my heart, my husband and I decided to fast for three days to really focus on God and seek Him through our circumstances. On the very first night of our fast, I sat down on the floor to meet my God in my living room like I always do--the living room is our reunion spot. Sometimes, it is during the day when I can look outside at His creation and enjoy the sunshine through the window and sometimes it is at night, when there are no distractions, it's just God and me, spending time together one-on-one. Whenever it is, it is just a sweet time where I can meet my Father and bathe in His love, comfort, and teaching. So, I sat in my spot and before I could turn on any worship music or open my Bible, I heard Him clearly whisper in my spirit, His name, Adonai. The first time I heard it, I just thought Adonai--I will pray that name back to my Father tonight during my prayer time. I had heard that name of God before, but was ignorant of what it actually means. God patiently and lovingly whispered it a second time and a third time before I finally had the thought that I should look it up and research what it means.
I discovered that Adonai, like all of God's names, reveals a unique attribute of His, a different aspect of His character that I had never focused on before. Adonai describes the relationship I was created to experience with my heavenly Father. It is a relationship of complete trust and focus on Him, a relationship of His total ownership of my body and my total submission of my body to Him. Paul, in Corinthians, reminds us that we "are not our own; we were bought at a price." Adonai means for me that no matter what is happening to my body, I know my Father and I know that "all things work together for my good" (Romans 8:28), so I will choose to surrender my will to His and trust His ways and His timing. And they are always perfect. So, that night, I made a choice to surrender my inability to conceive another child right now and to let Him have and carry that desire for me. You see, our Father knows our desires and He cares for our desires, our deepest ones. He wants to bless us and is waiting to bless us, but He knows when the time is best to fulfill our deepest desires, the time when that fulfillment will be perfect and beyond our wildest dreams. Our God is waiting to bless us and sometimes, it's hard for Him to wait just as much as it is difficult for me to wait, but I hold on to Him because during the waiting is when I am growing. During the waiting is when I learn to love Him and trust Him completely, that I am not in control, but He is and He has my absolute best interest at heart.
The Sunday after I received this revelation from the Holy Spirit, I shared it with my dad, and what a comfort it must have been to learn this attribute of our Lord--that He is in control of my dad's body and wants what is best for him. My dad just had to let go of his own will and surrender to his heavenly Father's will, trusting Him completely. Either that same Sunday or one week later (I can't really remember now which is accurate), my husband, daughter, and I came home after a long day of visiting my dad, then going to Bible study after church, and we received a positive pregnancy test that God has conceived a child in my womb! Praise the Lord! What an awesome and loving God we serve, and what a privilege it is to wait on Him. Oh, how He loves us and wants our complete submission and trust as He leads us according to His perfect will!
One of the sweetest times I spent with my heavenly Father happened recently, about a month ago. My dad has been suffering for quite some time with his health and has been battling several issues in the hospital for over two months now. He had grown very discouraged and saddened by the cycle in which he seemed to be caught. He would see some improvements, then something else would go wrong; he would think he was going to be discharged (and actually was a couple of times), then he would find himself still (or right back) in the hospital, the last place he wants to be. He confessed on several occasions that his condition was very discouraging. Through all of his suffering, he has held on to the God of his youth, the God Who loves Him, and he has continued to seek Him for help, "leaning not on his own understanding" (Proverbs 3:5).
Additionally, my husband and I have had a desire to expand our family and have been trying to get pregnant for almost a year. We, like my dad, were growing very discouraged with our circumstances. Finally, the burdens of my dad's illnesses and hospitalization and our inability to conceived weighed so heavily on my heart, my husband and I decided to fast for three days to really focus on God and seek Him through our circumstances. On the very first night of our fast, I sat down on the floor to meet my God in my living room like I always do--the living room is our reunion spot. Sometimes, it is during the day when I can look outside at His creation and enjoy the sunshine through the window and sometimes it is at night, when there are no distractions, it's just God and me, spending time together one-on-one. Whenever it is, it is just a sweet time where I can meet my Father and bathe in His love, comfort, and teaching. So, I sat in my spot and before I could turn on any worship music or open my Bible, I heard Him clearly whisper in my spirit, His name, Adonai. The first time I heard it, I just thought Adonai--I will pray that name back to my Father tonight during my prayer time. I had heard that name of God before, but was ignorant of what it actually means. God patiently and lovingly whispered it a second time and a third time before I finally had the thought that I should look it up and research what it means.
I discovered that Adonai, like all of God's names, reveals a unique attribute of His, a different aspect of His character that I had never focused on before. Adonai describes the relationship I was created to experience with my heavenly Father. It is a relationship of complete trust and focus on Him, a relationship of His total ownership of my body and my total submission of my body to Him. Paul, in Corinthians, reminds us that we "are not our own; we were bought at a price." Adonai means for me that no matter what is happening to my body, I know my Father and I know that "all things work together for my good" (Romans 8:28), so I will choose to surrender my will to His and trust His ways and His timing. And they are always perfect. So, that night, I made a choice to surrender my inability to conceive another child right now and to let Him have and carry that desire for me. You see, our Father knows our desires and He cares for our desires, our deepest ones. He wants to bless us and is waiting to bless us, but He knows when the time is best to fulfill our deepest desires, the time when that fulfillment will be perfect and beyond our wildest dreams. Our God is waiting to bless us and sometimes, it's hard for Him to wait just as much as it is difficult for me to wait, but I hold on to Him because during the waiting is when I am growing. During the waiting is when I learn to love Him and trust Him completely, that I am not in control, but He is and He has my absolute best interest at heart.
The Sunday after I received this revelation from the Holy Spirit, I shared it with my dad, and what a comfort it must have been to learn this attribute of our Lord--that He is in control of my dad's body and wants what is best for him. My dad just had to let go of his own will and surrender to his heavenly Father's will, trusting Him completely. Either that same Sunday or one week later (I can't really remember now which is accurate), my husband, daughter, and I came home after a long day of visiting my dad, then going to Bible study after church, and we received a positive pregnancy test that God has conceived a child in my womb! Praise the Lord! What an awesome and loving God we serve, and what a privilege it is to wait on Him. Oh, how He loves us and wants our complete submission and trust as He leads us according to His perfect will!
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